If you are really interested in how to experience fundamental feelings in a diner parking lot very early in the morning, I would suggest a few things:
- Make sure that you are experiencing incredible amounts of change in a short period of time. This overwhelming feeling is what, personally, keeps me going, but it can have some awkward side effects, like being sent into emotional states of panic from watching infomercials, harboring plants as children, and having really weird dreams.
- Be unsure about your immediate future. Nothing gets me more excited than the prospect of switching some things up. I’ve found that I’m happiest when travelling,,, like I’m out-running the universe as it nips at my heels. (lmao I just used the word ‘nips’ in a sentence. For context, I’m currently laughing hysterically. I’m almost 20,,,,, it’s okay.)
- Have plentiful amounts of conversation with yourself. I find that I can hold lengthy discussions with myself that have a dynamic similar to that of a court room, where I am the judge and my heart and my brain are two older folks who got into a small feud about the current physical state of the picket fence that is shared mutually between their yards on a small suburban street. My brain is a sarcastic asshole, and my heart is a hopeless romantic. It makes for an interesting discussion.
- I don’t really know where this list is going to be completely honest with you. I’m sorry if you expected some sort of magnificent conclusion to this list, but alas, I am going to end it here.
Let’s see. I would be amiss if I forgot to acknowledge some very important things about my first year at college. I made some pretty darn good friends. I am incredibly thankful for them, and for all that they did for me. Thank you so much for dealing with my random bouts of hysteria, and for being there for me when I hit my low points, usually 1 or 2 times per day. I’m incredibly grateful for the incredible amounts of kindness and support you all have shown me, and I look forward to the next few years with you all.
All things considered, my freshman year of college (more specifically, the second semester) revealed to me how my mind and body react under incredible amounts of stress and mental pain. These past few months have been some pretty rough times, but I’m doing much much better now, compared to before. I have learned so much about myself as a result, and I am confident in my ability to move forward and beyond into the GREAT UNKNOWN! (trumpets sound, expect one of the trumpeters didn’t take a large enough breath and is furiously grasping for air on the floor after a long-winded C# note. The others continue to play, but are concerned). I have also developed a sense of closeness with myself that I thought that I had before, but like always, I am always growing. That really is the best part about all of this. All of these lessons and pains and struggles won’t really ever stop, but neither will the learning. Sometimes pain is a vehicle for progress, and you bet your ass that there aren’t any seat belts.
I would also like to thank my freshman year of college for giving me an aesthetic that I didn’t previously have, which includes but is not limited to: sweaters, one pair of slate-colored-jeans (or short-shorts, depending on the weather), tie-dye, and really dirty shoes that enjoy jumping into puddles. And color, lots of color. Also, I’ve developed a very interesting relationship with clouds, which is pretty cool.
Now, moving on from that rather difficult and abbreviated retrospection into what is in store for me in the months to come.
I’m gonna be working (as a co-op position) for the the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) as a photographer and image data technician, which is super coolio, and a great stepping stone to my other larger plans for life later on. I have been, in the past few days, travelling like a mad-man to deal with my living situation for the summer (inquire within for more on that story, it’s a doozie) but I have finally settled on an apartment for the summer. I’m starting to become exposed to what some people call “adult problems” like how to pay for food and taxes and holy shit I have a substantial income and I don’t really want to become an adult but there is something very exciting about this new independence and that was not a sentence. Yeah. I’ve been up to quite a bit recently, which is good for me because I tend to go stir-crazy if I stop moving. On that note, I’m going to be taking a cross-country trip, by train, out west this summer,, so stay tuned for some more adventure shenanigans.
I’ve started running again, which is a part of my life that I have sorely missed and should have kept with me through the “dark ages” of the past few months, but it’s back and I am very happy about that #gainz. I also inherited a record player and a really nice collection of albums from a relative, so I’m also very happy about that. I also get to see my family and friends from back home for longer than I had originally planned, which I am extremely thankful for. There’s a lot to be thankful for, I just have a hard time realizing it sometimes. I’m starting to become more okay with the fact that life has ups and downs, it’s just that the downs hurt pretty bad sometimes. All good though, as long as I’m making progress.
Dang, this has been quite a post. I congratulate those of you that have actually read this far. There’s just a lot I felt I needed to say, and this probably isn’t even half of it. See, I’ve been a journalist and blogger for quite some time now, and I have learned that living and documenting don’t always have to go together. I personally feel an urge to record everything, keep everything, save everything for later on, but sometimes life moves too fast to do stuff like that, and I just have to enjoy it for what it is and write down what I can. I’m still going to be the same person with the same experiences even if I don’t write it down or take a picture or save something, it’s just that I’m overly sentimental and like to keep the smaller things that most people think are trash, which is okay. There’s a lot to be learned from writing and retrospection, and I’m thankful I’ve become comfortable with my mind’s ability to recount and record. Thanks brain, you are pretty cool.
On that note, I’m gonna end this mess of a post. Life tends to be like a very large universe of swirling dust and particles, and sometimes it take a lot of time for all of that mess to clump together into planets and stars and eventually make something understandable. I’m a pretty large pile of dust at this point, and that’s okay. I’m pretty happy with where I am right now,,
Big plans ahead, and larger plans to come. 😀
As always, I hope that you are doing okay. I genuinely mean that.